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Sunday, January 13, 2013

Finding “The One”

I still hear people (ok, women mainly) talking about finding “The One” in a relationship sense, and that somehow they will ‘know’ “The One” (or he will them) by instinct. Perhaps when you really are standing in front of “The One” you will know, I want to tell them, but it hasn’t happened to me. Yet.
Now I’ve thought that I had found The One before, several times. Yes. Well, no, I didn’t. Obviously, I’m still single (or rather, single after I thought I’d… Well, you know).
The ‘magical thinking’ is, Once I’ve found The One, all will be well, for the rest of our lives together. It’ll be perfect bliss, and we’ll never look at another person (other than The One) ever again. Perfection, and then ‘happily ever after.’ That’s what we’ve been programmed for. Right?
And then, a few years ago I was introduced to another version of The One. I would go through a lot of other The Ones’ to find out I didn’t know who The One was supposed to be. In other words, all the ‘small stuff’ would have been taken care of and it was time for the ‘Large Stuff’ to hit the fan. You would know you had met The One because… Well, because The Stuff was hitting The Fan.
When I met The Woman who was to become Wife Number One, I had heard about her from the woman I was living with at the time (an Ex who was ‘just’ a friend at that time). I knew a lot about This Woman, and then I heard her drive up in her van and went out to meet her. She had turned off the Van and was sitting there listening to Our Favorite Song. Yes, it couldn’t get much more The One-ish than that, right? (“Song to the Last Whale” by CSN)
I ‘knew’ that she was The One (at least for then). We tumbled into a relationship, and then into the ‘deeper commitment,’ and then (a year and a half later) The Divorce. This was The One, Part One.
More than a few years later (and several The One’s later), I met The One, Part Two. I knew she was not the most stable One I had known, (and I had known a few Unstable One’s in between Part One and her, to become Part Two). I knew from the start that there would be more Stuff hitting The Fan, but I fell in love anyway; the whole “Love Conquers All” thing (except that it didn’t).
So when I hear Women talking about The One, I One-der. What do they think The One is going to look like? “Hey Mr. Fantasy/play us a tune…” (once again revealing my age). How many The Ones’ have They been through, I wonder?

Now, please understand, I would love for The One to walk into my life. But based on the model of The One as precursor to The Stuff Hitting The Fan (with the other The One’s I’ve met and fell in love with), I kind of wonder if I should be looking that intently for her. A few years ago, disillusioned in life and love, I began to think in terms of the un-magical thinking of “I’m not looking for Ms. Right, I’m looking for a good fantasy.”
Oh, I still have my fantasies of finding The One, but until she presents herself, I’m working along the lines of looking for The One in the transpersonal sense, and not worrying about the relational sense. Working on working, and finding on the career level allowing me to afford The One on the personal level when I can afford to afford The Luxuries that most Modern Women seem to deem The Requirements of The Relationship of Their Dreams.
Until then, it’s a good thing I have many things on my various to-do lists besides “I Do.” I’ve already been in the Stuff Hitting The Fan phase too many other times. I look around me and see many possibilities for The One, but no One has stepped in front of me with the accompanying Song denoting This Is Her. There are many wonderful Possibilities around me but not, (as of yet), The One. As far as I can see, there is The Work (for now) until given/proven otherwise.

1 comment:

  1. Ive met the one twice. It was two men, both actors,both tall light skin and hair, both creative, and both mase me feel safe. Neither worked othees meesed with my life bc i might have made a friend for life.actuslly he confused me not really wanted to pursue me but irked if i said i considered or lijed someone else. Im the end its finding a best friend. Our society however creates rifts between the roles of the sexes making that very hard to do.